


I'd Take That Chance

by Basil_Gray



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Character Death, Death, Hurt, Loss, M/M, Pining, Second Chances, Slight out of character, Time Travel, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, changing the future, desperate eggsy, experimental time machines, meantion of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-07-10 11:43:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6983569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basil_Gray/pseuds/Basil_Gray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Harry's death, Eggsy spirals into a series of drinking and keeping busy with any mission he can get his hands on. When he finally thinks he can pull himself back together a target on one of his missions gives him an offer he can't refuse no matter how much Merlin screams into his head to back off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy tries to cope with his feelings after the business of post V-Day chills out, but becomes a ticking time bomb instead. Merlin tries to help him pick up the pieces.

It started with Princess Tilde and the adrenaline left over from V-Day.

At least that's what he tells himself when he thinks about that day. The excuse he uses to explain how not long after his mentor was killed, no bloody fucking executed right in front of his eyes, and after tearing down all those responsible he had time to shag a princess.

 _I deserve it_ he had kept telling himself as he grabbed the glasses and the champagne.

 _I deserve to forget for just a moment_ he told himself as he made his way down the corridor where Valentine kept all the other people he deemed 'important' enough to keep alive until they finally decided to give into his ridiculous plot.

 _I deserve to think this is over, I deserve to believe in a happy ending_ he said as he waited for Merlin to give him the passcode.

But it wasn't over, and it wasn't a happy ending if anything it was far from it. Eggsy didn't understand at first why he was feeling this way, why he had such strong feelings for Harry Hart's death. He had barely known the man after all, he didn't even feel this way when someone he and his mother had known for years passed away, so why should Harry's death mean so much?

Eggsy went through the most obvious reasons in his head on his way back to Kingsman. He was tired, and he should have been sleeping. _Damn_ did he really want to sleep too, but instead he reclined in the chair, laying in a fetal position as he stared out the tiny airline window. It was dark he remembers, but he could still see the clouds in the sky. The stars and moon reflecting their light off the moisture of the clouds making them seem almost as if they were glowing. It was beautiful.

_Can you see this too Harry from where you are?_

His first obvious reason was guilt. He thought maybe he felt guilty for the way he had treated Harry right before he left. Their unresolved fight, he figured, must have been looming over him. He apologized, yeah, but not the way he wanted too. It didn't have the same effect he wanted it to have, he didn't want Harry to leave angry at him, but he did. There was a saying his mother always said, _'never let each other leave the house or go to bed angry because you just never know,'_ and she was right you do never know if you will wake up to that person again, or see them come through the door.

After quickly wiping away a few traitorous tears before someone could see him doing so through the reflection, Eggsy deduced that though the guilt from his fight with Harry was partially his issue, it wasn't the root. So he thought maybe it was another type of guilt, like maybe he was having survivors guilt. He's heard of people experiencing it before, so he thought maybe his mind felt guilty because someone who was a super spy, and an amazing one from what he's heard doesn't walk away from V-Day alive, but he does, a boy with very little training, a nobody who happens to walk away from an encounter with more than twice the number of men than Harry faced plus an assassin with blades for legs.

He thought about it more, and even though it would seem like that was his problem, he realized it wasn't. It was too easily justified. Harry was tired, Harry was under Valentine's control, and was just coming down from it of course he wouldn't be fit to think that maybe Valentine himself was waiting outside the church for him with guns pointing at him. Harry was cornered and Valentine didn't have the guts to face him equally that's why Harry died. And Eggsy, he was lucky, he wasn't alone like Harry because he had Merlin.

_Maybe it's because you brought me into this world, Harry, and then as quick as you came into my life, you left me, you left me innit alone. Aren't mentors suppose to stick around, and guide their protege's not just leave 'em to figure it out themselves? 'Arry, I thought you was a gentlemen.._

_Shite, 'Arry I hope you can't see me now, cryin' like a little kid.._

But as the days went on, and Kingsman cleaned up the aftermath of V-Day, he realized it was never any of those things he had thought months ago on that flight home because he waited for that guilt to go away, for the hard feelings to go away, and they did with alcohol and therapy.

But the depression never did. His dreams of Harry never did.

That sick pang of adrenaline he felt in his chest when he'd see a brolly and oxfords approaching him on the streets only to look up and be disappointed when it wasn't him. That same sick feeling when he heard another fellow Kingsman make an Ernest Hemingway reference. That feeling...it never went away either.

It wasn't until he was on his first honeypot mission, as a rent boy of all things, that he realized what his problem was. He was laying there intoxicated just enough for his body to flush, so that he could appear drunk to his target, a posh bloke somewhat like Harry, but not a gentlemen at all, hell not even a good person. Eggsy's job was to seduce him into giving up all his dirty little secrets on the human trafficking ring he disguised as a so called 'dating site'.

_'Arry would have wanted me to kill you bruv, you're lucky Merlin says no.._

Eggsy thinks as he lies there with the man on top of him, feeling almost ashamed and thankful that the bloke had taken his specs off, so that anyone back at HQ wouldn't be getting a show. Eggsy closed his eyes breathing in and out as he tried to detach himself from the situation, but still not being able to block out the feel of the man's lips at his ear or his hands roaming around his body.

_You sure you want to take this mission...it doesn't seem like your type of thing?_

What wasn't his type of thing? He wondered if Merlin meant older men or men in general. He wasn't shy when it came to a good shag with a pretty boy his age, but yeah, older men had never crossed his mind, especially not posh blokes like this man, like _Harry._

_If it gets to be too much for you just close your eyes and try to think of something more appealing. It always helps the other agents. You know out of sight out of mind they say._

He was trying to take Merlin's advice as the older man started at his pants, his intoxication making it harder to work Eggsy's zipper down. He tried to hold back a sigh as he was getting frustrated on how long it was taking for the man to pass out..maybe he had slipped it into the wrong drink..maybe that's why he was feeling more loose the longer he waited. Eggsy let out a breath as he tried to make room for pleasant thoughts, and he's surprised when it's Harry he thinks about first above all other things he could be thinking about at this moment.

_I'm in Harry's home...in his office. I've finally got it right, and he's drinking the martini that I've made. The glass is right at his lips, but he stops to smile at me, I don't know what I've said, but it doesn't matter because I'm just happy the smile is still there after he sets it back down. He says he's proud of me, and oh God does that make me happy. Why am I so happy? I don't know...but I want to keep making him proud of me..I want him to smile at me..I want..  
_

His target grunts in satisfaction as he finally makes his way into Eggsy's pants, and fuck he's palming him now, and he wishes that he had given this to someone else, but he was so adamant on taking out this piece of shite himself. The man's hand slips inside his underwear, and he has to squeeze his eyes closed even harder, his breath laboring at which the nasty git takes as Eggsy enjoying himself.

_I'm sitting at Harry's dining table, and he's just made us breakfast. It smells delicious, and I've got a dozy grin on my face as I look at the way he's set the table. Harry's in his cute apron, and he's walking towards me. Something feels strange to me..like I want this every morning. Did it also feel like this then? Harry's behind me now laughing at my reaction, his hand is on my shoulder, and I can feel how warm he is. I don't want him to pull away, no, not this time.._

_I want..I want.._

_Harry's hand moves up my neck instead of walking away like he should be..is this what I wanted? His hand is cupping my face just underneath my chin, and he's pushing me up to look at him..And oh God, he's bending down too..I'm closing my eyes, no I don't want to close my eyes! I want to see Harry! But that's what you do when someone is kissing you, yeah? Because Harry is kissing me, and it feels so..good, so real, and my heart it's racing and my stomach is in knots. I want to cry because the way he's kissing me makes me feel like I'm the most important thing to him. But that's just my brain innit? This ain't real.._

_So I wanted to be the most important thing to Harry? I wanted his approval, be the only one he smiles at when he's in his home? I wanted Harry, yeah? That's wot this has been all about? I had a repressed crush on my mentor, and I'm just now realizing it?_

_Fuck 'Arry! How could you leave me before I could even realize that, before I could even have a chance to tell ya? Now I'm just suppose to get over it, yeah?_

Eggsy finally notices that the man's movements have stopped, the drug finally taking effect, and he was thankful because when he opened his eyes they were wet. He quickly wiped them dry and pushed off the man who still had his hands in his pants. Eggsy didn't even flinch when he heard the man's body make a thud onto the floor. Putting his clothes and glasses back on, he clears his throat and signaled for Merlin to give him the next instructions. He was ready to leave. Ready to go home and stew on his new findings.

It's not as easy to deal with as he thinks, and he's quickly fallen into bad habits to deal with it. Because that's what he has to do now, just deal with it. It's not like he can call Harry up, and tell him...tell him what though? I've only known you a few months, but I think I like you? Not to mention you were in a coma most of those months, but hey this all makes sense anyways, yeah? This is ridiculous, all of this!

The first week back from his honeypot mission is all a blur.

He remembers handing Merlin his report. He remembers the man asking him what's wrong, and he remembers not being able to tell him. He was afraid that he would laugh at him, or worse feel pity for him. He didn't need that now. He remembers bottles and bottles of amber liquor, and his mum kicking him out the door refusing to let Daisy see him like that. He remembers being at Harry's doorstep, and somehow managing to break his way in without alerting anyone. He remembers petting Mr. Pickle as he cried, and wrapping himself in Harry's neatly made comforter, so he could smell the man around him as he passed out.

He didn't get out of Harry's bed to eat or drink, but only to use his restroom when he needed too. It wasn't until Merlin himself showed up in Harry's room when Eggsy awoke again and finally got out of it. He remembers the man telling him that his mother had called the shop looking for him, and Merlin had only found him here by accident when he came to take another one of Harry's favorite whiskey's to his grave as he did at least once a month to have a drink with him.

He remembered the man asking him what he was doing here, smelling the alcohol and what he figured to be old sweat coming from Eggsy's person. Too drunk still to care he blurted out to Merlin, _'I think I loved him Merlin.'_ He didn't try to correct him or tell him it was just hero-worship, but just hugged him and held him up as he wept into the man's sweater. It wasn't until he was quiet that Merlin told him he could see it all along. Of course Merlin would see something like that before anyone else.

\-------

Eggsy does a good job of cleaning himself up and pretending. It was exhausting and sometimes vexing to have to pretend all day long, and for so many people. But Merlin told him that if he didn't get it together, he would be off to psych where they would force him to talk about what was troubling him. He didn't want to talk to anyone else about it, nobody else besides Merlin was to ever know he had decided.

When he wasn't off on missions he was at home busying himself with with his mom and Daisy. Eggsy spent as much time with them as he could taking them to the movies, and musicals, and fancy dinners buying little Daisy all the sweets someone her size could handle.

Eggsy only laughed and smiled around them, and sometimes too much as his mother would have to ask him what he was laughing about. He would wave her off, and distract her with something else, or sometimes just turning to Daisy who didn't care whether he laughed or smiled at nothing.

And then he would be back on another mission running from bullets, or running from blades that were this time not someone's legs. He flirted, and seduced, and poisoned, and electrocuted. He drank and talked and charmed his way through negotiations and petty talk until he found himself back at Kingsman ready for another mission.

 _'Go home, Eggsy.'_ Merlin told him, but he didn't know how lonely home was for him.

He didn't know how lonely it was for Eggsy to sit in a room full of people that loved him, and not be able to feel it.

 


	2. No Eggsy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy falls off the deep end, and attempts the unimaginable, but Merlin talks him down. To keep him distracted Merlin sends him on missions to keep him busy knowing that Eggsy wouldn't attempt anything extreme that would inconvenience Merlin or Kingsman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief attempt at suicide in the beginning of the chapter.

Eggsy left, but he didn't go home.

He walked instead of taking a cab, watching the people that passed him, and the people he passed. He took in their many shapes and sizes. Their colors, and their various expressions. He focused on the ones with smiling faces now.

A girl gripped the arm of the bloke she was walking with, her teeth were a bright white in contrast to the dull, grey evening. Lights from the businesses seemed to reflect off of them, and as she passed by Eggsy with her curly hair still bouncing around her face despite the moisture, she glanced at him, their eyes meeting, and that bright smile replaced with a more modest, closed-lip one.

Eggsy's mind drifted to a memory of him and Harry walking down a similar street, but it was earlier in the day and the sun had been shining. He looked at Harry donning a similar smile on his face that the girl had given her mate. Harry had said something particularly amusing to him, Eggsy knew, but couldn't remember what it was.

He thought about how they must of looked like together that day. A great contrast he was sure, not like the couple that seemed to match themselves both wearing plain colors, and nothing that seemed to stick out, both similar in age as well. Unlike Harry and Eggsy, who one wore a bespoke suit tailored nice and snug in the areas that it needed, his umbrella, the rain maker, swinging on his wrist in time with his stride, and the other wearing the loudest black and gold jacket, a cap to cover his unkept hair, and winged trainers And their age, Harry could have been his uncle as far as anyone was concerned.

Eggsy looked down at his attire now; his Kingsman issued suit in a dark grey that he was sure Harry would approve of. His oxfords, not brogues, speckled with water droplets as were his glasses. Eggsy had taken up wearing brogues for a short while in hopes that Harry would come back just to scold him for it, but he didn't.

Eggsy felt his phone vibrating in his his pocket, and he pulled it out to see who was calling. He had half expected it to be Merlin checking on whether he had made it home or not, but if he wanted to know he could just hack into his glasses without having to bother Eggsy. It was his mum, "Hey mum." Eggsy answered in a cheery tone, but she didn't sound convinced when she spoke next. She had started to become suspicious by his behavior lately.

"You alright? You're coming home tonight right Eggsy?"

"Yea mum I'll be home in a few hours," Eggsy was going to hang up the phone, but he had an overwhelming feeling not to, "Hey mum?"

"Yea son?"

"I love you, you know that right? And Daisy too, you guys mean a lot to me."

"We love you too Eggsy. You sure you're alright hun? Just come home ok?"

"Yes mum."

He hung up the phone, and headed towards a gift shop. He didn't want to be that kind of customer, but if he ran he would be able to make it before it closed. Eggsy had just made it inside before the cashier could move out from behind his counter.

"I'll be real quick, I swear." Eggsy told the tired looking old man.

The store was filled with flowers of all kinds of colors and arrangement. Chocolates and stuffed animals also for purchase, Eggsy grabbed a few boxes that he thought his mother would enjoy, and chose even more carefully Daisy's gift. It was a large, baby blue stuffed Elephant with extra fluffy fur that was softer than any stuffed animal he had held. Eggsy hugged it, and he knew that it was perfect for his flower.

Eggsy looked at all the arrangements, but none of them seemed right, "Do you have something that means 'I'm really sorry I'm going to be late?"

"This going to be for a girlfriend lad?"

"No, me mum."

The florist looked at him with a small grin, "Then you're going to need one heck of an apology." He disappeared behind the double doors in the back, leaving Eggsy alone for only a few minutes. When he came back a big beautiful bouquet of several colors was in his hands. There were pink roses and lily of the valley's with one purple hyacinth nestled in the middle of a sea of pink and white. It somehow seemed perfect. The florist went to hand the arrangement to Eggsy, "Could I possibly have that delivered for a later date, oh with these too," He pushed the elephant and boxes of chocolates towards the old man.

"Yes, of course." He took the items from Eggsy and the flower arrangement he set on display, "I'll make your mother a fresh one." The old man said when Eggsy watched him sit the flowers down.

"Thank you." He paid the florist, and was out the door again. There was only really one other place to go besides the pub at this time of night, but Eggsy wasn't sure if he had the attention span to sit through a movie. There wouldn't be anything he was interested in playing anyways. So he settled for the pub. He ordered two pints of Guinness, one the server sat in front of him, and the other across from him.

"Are you expecting anyone?" Eggsy let out a snort, and the server looked at him funny trying to figure out if he had said something out of place, "Bruv, I wish." Was Eggsy's reply, and the server just left him to his two pints of Guinness.

"Guess I'll drink this one too since you're not." Eggsy said to no one as he grabbed Harry's pint, and started finishing it off too.

The sun was finally settling when he stepped out of the pub. He started walking in no particular direction until he found himself at Tower Bridge, it's blue suspensions lit up and danced off the waters of the Thames River. He felt a pull, and walked towards its suspensions until he was staring up at its towers. He looked out at the water, and up at the sky. The cars raced by causing the wind to kick up his jacket, and he knew that he should feel the cold of the breeze, but he felt nothing not even the ground beneath his feet. It was as if he was disconnected from the rest of the world. So much so that he didn't realize what he was doing until the cars started beeping at him.

Eggsy stared down at them, only a fourth of the way up the tower's blue suspension. The lights only bothering his eyes if he looked down, so he turned his gaze up, and continued his ascension. It was when he was half way up that a few cars stopped, and the people below started calling for him, but he couldn't hear what they were saying, but he was sure it was to encourage him to come down. He stopped again when lights started shooting up at him from below, and he looked down long enough to realize the authorities had been called finally.

There was more shouting, but Eggsy ignored it all, and continued up until he became too exhausted, and somehow squatted down before laying his body along the suspension. An act he could only attribute to being able to pull off after drinking two pints to his Kingsman training and gymnast skills. He stared up at the sky, it was dark besides the lights of airplanes passing by.

All seemed calm from where he was, his eyes beginning to flutter close, until there was a big flash of light, and beating wings tossing his clothing around. It was a helicopter he realized. Possibly a news helicopter or search & rescue, he decided on. A few minutes passed, and there was a beep coming from his glasses.

"Hello Merlin." Eggsy's voice was half lazy with exhaustion and his buzz.

"Hello? _Hello?_ That's what you have to say to me from up on the suspensions of the God damn Tower Bridge! Are you mad boy? You listen to those men, and you get off that bridge, _immediately_. I'll be there to pick you up. You hear me?"

"I don't want to Merlin, I'm too tired." Eggsy sighed out. And if Merlin wasn't mistaken his voice sounded a little shaky.

"If you're tired you can sleep it off at home."

"I don't want to go home." Eggsy argued back.

"Then Harry's, I'll let you in Harry's would that be better?"

"If I wanted into Harry's I would just break in."

"Eggsy _please._ " It was the first time Eggsy had ever heard Merlin beg for anything. It almost made him feel guilty.

"Merlin I don't want too. I don't want to pretend anymore. It's too exhausting trying to make people not worry about me anymore."

"Then don't try, just let us worry lad. Your mother, and Roxy, and _Daisy_. We'd much rather worry about you than see you go out like this. Harry wouldn't want this for you either."

"Merlin, I miss him."

"As do I, Eggsy. Come home so we can remember him together. Ok?" Eggsy looked at the helicopter the was inching closer to him. To men held their hands out, motioning for Eggsy to follow them. One threw a safety harness, and he caught it, looking down at the harness and rope in his hands knowing that Merlin would see at, and be pleased. That somehow made him feel something like pleasure knowing that what he was doing was making someone one proud. He hadn't felt that in a while.

"Good boy Eggsy." Merlin said tenderly as he watched the boy fasten the harness around his chest.

When they were finally on the ground Merlin was there like he had promised, pulling him into a crushing hug. When he finally let go, Eggsy could have sworn he saw the man quickly wiping away at something on his cheek.

"I'm sorry Merlin." He had really meant it, and felt the guilt as well when Merlin gave him a smile that hadn't quite reached his eyes.

"No, I'm sorry. I should have watched you more carefully. I'm your handler after all, but I failed to see you were suffering this much." The two were quiet, not saying anything, but just staring at the other. A man approached them, his attention was on Eggsy, but Merlin stepped in, pulling the man aside briefly. When Merlin came back he was alone again.

"They wanted to take you in for a mental evaluation," Merlin explained, "but I handled it don't worry. You're coming back with me, back to Kingsman. We're going to take care of you properly this time my boy."

* * *

The excessive drinking stopped. The unnecessary laughing and smiling also stopped. Eggsy had taken to going out with his mates or Merlin and Roxy after coming back from missions. There was no more aimless wondering and bridge climbing. It was almost as if he was back to normal, but Merlin knew better not to believe the boy every time he said he was ok because he knew he wasn't, and that was ok. It wasn't about being one hundred percent better quickly as possible it was about getting better at Eggsy's own pace, and not faking it for anyone.

He was encouraged by his therapist to voice when he was upset, and to feel all emotions: if he wanted to be angry, then he was encouraged to be angry, if he wanted to cry then he was encouraged too cry. And Merlin had done an excellent job being the shoulder Eggsy needed to cry on. Sometimes they just sat together in Merlin's office drinking tea and eating biscuits while Eggsy sobbed.

The Kingsman gym had seen more of Eggsy than any other agent in its history. He took advantage of it when he felt the frustration of rage every time his brain tried to betray him on his good days with 'what ifs' and 'never wills'. He would box it out with the punching dummy, run on the treadmill till his lungs gave out, or swim laps in the pool until he was too tired to beat his newest record time. Sometimes Roxy was there too helping to make sure that he recognized his feelings, and why he was feeling them at the time, made sure that he didn't try holding back lest he end up where he was all those months ago.

He was feeling better, feeling himself finally. He hated to admit it, hated feeling it too, but he was starting to feel like he could function properly without everyday being about Harry or V-Day, which he found out from counseling was another factor of his condition, a kind of PTSD his doctor had said. He was trying so hard to make V-Day not a big deal like he had not killed more people than he could count that day that it was putting too much psychological stress on his body. Those people, no matter how cruel or messed up they were, had families or friends that would miss them. Even Charlie, and Eggsy couldn't stand him. But somewhere out there somebody was missing that piece of shit, and it was taking its toll on Eggsy.

But he was coming to terms with that, and everything started to seem like it was looking up for him. So when Merlin sent Eggsy on his next mission after several consecutive successful missions, he had no worries about the lad's performance. Roxy on the other hand was weary of the whole situation, enough so that she hovered over Merlin, watching Eggsy's every move despite her cracked ribs and broken clavicle. 

'Still can't believe you sent Eggsy.' She kept droning in Merlin's ear as they watched the boy mow through groups of goons.

 _'_ It's a project straight out of science fiction I highly doubt Eggsy would believe for a minute it works.' Merlin scoffs giving the boy the benefit of a doubt.

'Yeah, but this is _Eggsy_ , he could..what if he's still desperate enough.' Roxy was still not convinced that Eggsy was even eighty percent better. Sixty-five was being generous in her opinion, but Merlin was optimistic with the agent's recovery.

 _'Ok Merlin work you're magic. This door isn't budgin'.'_ Eggsy called quietly from the intercom.

'Give me one minute Galahad.' Merlin began to work on one set of screens, his keyboard clicking away as Roxy watched the other. She could only what her fellow agent was seeing, which wasn't much, but large, grey double doors.

'Eggsy you're not going to do anything mental right?' Roxy finally spoke up letting her presence be known.

 _'Oh Hello Rox!,'_ Eggsy called out cheerfully, _dinnit realize you was there too. When have I not done something mental?' _Eggsy chuckled quietly.

'I'm serious Eggsy Unwin you-'

'Hey codenames!' Merlin said sternly, and the two young agents laughed him off.

'But I'm serious,' Roxy continued more seriously now, 'just come back ok? We'll get a pint with Jamal and Ryan or takeaway.'

 _'Yes mum, I'll be a good lad.'_ Eggsy mocked in a child-like tone.

The door clicked open, and Merlin could feel Roxy hold in her breath as Eggsy cautiously opened the door, her hand even reaching out and grabbing Merlin's, squeezing it like it was some kind of life. Merlin's gaze shot her way, both his eyebrows raised as he waited for her to correct herself, but she didn't as she chewed away at her lower lip with anxiety, and her eyes glued to the screen. So he squeezed back gently and reassuringly.

Eggsy had been grateful for the pistol he had tucked away as he shot down the last six goons surrounding the scientist. Eggsy took a good look at the machine in the center of the warehouse sized room. Everything was grey and sterile in the room, but the large structure that sat in the middle of it. Multiple blinking lights adorned it along with a ticking clock that looked like something from a steampunk novel, and its metal framing looked as though it had been blown up a few times.

The scientist fidgeted between trying to dash for the side door, and hopping in the time machine himself, though he looked as though the door would be his safest option.

'Hello there!' Eggsy waved to the scientist as he nonchalantly approached him, 'Guess you'll be coming with me now.'

'W-Wait!' The scientist put up both his hands as if to stop Eggsy where he was standing, 'Isn't there something you wish you could go back and change, or maybe someone you want to see again? I-I can make that happen.'

Eggsy lowered his gun, and looked at the machine again. It looked like a movie prop there was no way he'd take that thing serious enough to risk his own life though the idea of seeing Harry again did entertain his thoughts in the back of his mind.

'Yeah, ok buddy lets get going now.' Eggsy choosing to laugh off his offer, and reached a hand out to grab for the older man.

 _'Good job Eggsy.'_ He heard Merlin say in his ear.

 _'Codenames!'_ Roxy jokingly shouted.

'I-I'm serious! We haven't had an accident in thirty-two days, and I'd just successfully sent away one of my subjects before you came blazing through here.' The scientist said proudly.

'And how do I know your lil' machine wont just fry up my brain like a microwave or something, or worse you send me somewhere like the stone-age?' The scientist looked at him with a stone-cold serious stare, his eyes unwavering as they looked into Eggsy's.

'Because it only takes you where you think of or to _whom_ you think of. The machine has no destination, timeline, or date you dial in. Just past or present. You think of Paris, then you will be in Paris in the past or present depending on what you choose. You think of someone and you will be in the present with them or in the past. The dial is in the machine with you, and the machine only works on brainwaves coming from inside itself. I can't sabotage anything.'

 _'Don't listen to him boy.'_ Merlin cautioned, _'Time travel is just scifi he's obviously mad.'_ Eggsy could hear Roxy agreeing with him in the background.

'You're mental,' Eggsy finally spoke and he could hear Merlin let out a sigh of relief, 'and I'm obvious mental.'

 _'Pardon?'_   Merlin choked.

'This thing is on right, that's what all the flashy lights mean?' The scientist nodded at Eggsy, and the boy darted him, 'Sorry Merlin, sorry Rox. If I don't fucking try...I can't live my life wondering.' Eggsy ran up to the machine, and threw open the door. There was no gooey mess or sign of a goon being inside of it. Either the guy was lying or he had been right and sent someone away like he said.

_'God fucking Christ! You can't be serious lad? This isn't a joke, you can't get a do-over if this doesn't work, and trust me it's not going to. Harry is gone, your family is here. You can't change that.'_

'I can't? How would we know if I didn't try? I could bring him back Merlin! I could fix it. Don't you miss him..the most?' Merlin sighed again before he spoke.

_'Eggsy that is not how life works. It sucks then we die. Harry died. It's done. Now step away from the machine I'm sending someone now.'_

'I'm going to fix this.' Eggsy said with as much promise as he could muster. He walked into the machine, and shut the heavy door behind him. He could hear Merlin shouting at him as Roxy pleaded in the background. Eggsy almost faltered when he thought that he heard her crying. He looked down at the dial and switched it to Past, and thought about Harry as hard and vividly as he could.

A particular memory came to mind as he did so, one of him and Harry standing together in Harry's spare bedroom. Harry had just caught him snooping around though he wasn't peeved. Instead he was beaming down at Eggsy. His smile wrinkling the corners of his warm brown eyes. He was already dressed for the day, and hair styled.

Eggsy raised up his hand to show something to Harry, and it was a picture of Harry from his youth. Blonde, surprisingly which made Eggsy wonder if that was natural or if Harry's hair had changed shade over the years like some people's did, and it was curly with wild curls flying everywhere. Eggsy had always suspected that Harry had curly hair from the one tiny curl that would slip out of its mold occasionally. He was with a group of friends, all smiles, tall and lanky compared to the rest of his mates.

 _Harry was always perfect_ , Eggsy thought to himself. And that was the last thought he had before everything went white.

* * *

Merlin couldn't believe it.  _R_ _efused_ to believe it as Dagonet swung open the door to find that Eggsy wasn't there. Merlin had not let his eyes leave the screen after Eggsy's feed cutout, and had switched to the cameras he had hacked earlier in the facility, so he would not miss anything. Eggsy never stepped out, and no one came in. The feed never cut off, so it wasn't like Eggsy could have left without Merlin seeing him do so. 

But, he was gone.

The space inside the machine empty, no trace of Eggsy being there not even a hair. The scientist finally woke once Dagonet had shown up, and he was interrogated thoroughly, but the man gave Merlin nothing he wanted to hear.

 _'Then where is he, if he was thinking of a person then where in the hell would he be?'_ Merlin had ordered Dagonet to say to the scientist, but all the scientist said was, _'The last memory the boy had of that person I suppose.'_ Shrugging his shoulders as he said so.

'The last memory Eggsy had of Harry..Merlin that..that was V-Day! H-He can't live through that again! What if he's too late, and ends up watching Harry all over again from his laptop?' She was sniffling again, her eyes bloodshot from crying.

Merlin didn't know what to say to that because what Roxy had said was a great possibility. And he definitely wasn't going to tell the lass that there was an equally great possibility that her friend, their friend, could be dead. He put an arm around her leaving some space between them as she began sobbing again, but the female Lancelot wrapped her arms around him, pulling them closely together as she buried her face into his sweater. He did the same, holding her close with both arms now, and his face buried in her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flower meaning (according to some website)  
> Hyacinth 'purple' - "Please forgive me"  
> Rose 'pink - "I'm sorry, please believe me"  
> Lily of the Valley - an apology
> 
> Just a clarification: The sort of depressive behavior Eggsy is experiencing is not only because of losing a mentor (ie obsessing over all the 'could haves' and 'what ifs'), but sort of an accumulation of all the psychological effects and stress that V-Day has caused. I tried to think of an alternative of how someone would handle something like that; after killing a bunch of people, and witnessing all that violence. I tried to think what could happen to a normal Eggsy and not a movie Eggsy. Which is why I put slightly out of character in the tag.


End file.
